Quotes by Chelsea Handler

About Chelsea Handler:

Chelsea Joy Handler is an American comedian, actress, author, television host, and producer. She hosted a late-night talk show called Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014, and is currently preparing to host a show on Netflix in 2016. In 2012, Time placed her on the list of its 100 Most Influential People.
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I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godfor...

Chelsea Handler

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with...

Chelsea Handler

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic...

Chelsea Handler

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

Chelsea Handler

Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarin...

Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Chelsea Handler

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was ha...

Chelsea Handler

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

Chelsea Handler

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulte...

Chelsea Handler

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

Chelsea Handler

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.

Chelsea Handler

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

Chelsea Handler

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant...if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

Chelsea Handler

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Chelsea Handler

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.

Chelsea Handler

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Chelsea Handler

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around h...

Chelsea Handler

Author Bio

  • NameChelsea Handler
  • DescriptionAmerican comedian, actress, author and talk show host
  • AliasesChelsea Joy Handler
  • BornFebruary 25, 1975
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor; Comedian