Quotes by Celia Rivenbark

About Celia Rivenbark:

Celia Rivenbark is humor columnist and author. She was born in Duplin County, North Carolina, where she remained for most of her life. She continued to live in the country side of Duplin County and away from urban life. Having completed twenty-one years of journalism, she married Scott Whisnant, a sportswriter at the time and now the Director of Government Relations for New Hanover Health Network. Scott Whisnant authored Innocent Victims, which was a bestseller. Currently, Celia Rivenbark resides in Wilmington, North Carolina with her husband and daughter, Sophie.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I really loathe [the bumper sticker] 'Proud Parent of a Terrific Kid!' Why not a bumper sticker for the unlucky parents, something like: 'My Fifteen-Year-Old's in Detox and Not Speaking to Any of Us' or 'My Kid Robbed a 7-Eleven and is in a Center fo...

Celia Rivenbark

Severe isn't a word normally associated with a cold. Severe is for weather or third-degree burns...No one responds 'severe' when someone asks how her cold is. In fact, nine out of ten Americans respond to 'How's your cold' with 'It sucks.' So there s...

Celia Rivenbark

: "Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He's just been with work-weary people. Be a little gay. His boring day needs a lift." : "Get kn...

Celia Rivenbark

Never marry something until you've established the perfect pizza ratio...The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we're a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me...Never marry a man who wants two slices on...

Celia Rivenbark

: "Make [your husband] comfortable. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soft, soothing tones, allowing him to relax and unwind." : "Place a pillow over his head and hold it there until he promises to do at least one hous...

Celia Rivenbark

She suggested we 'crouch' buck nekkid on the bed or a dresser and leap out at him from the shadows. Now, my husband can't see all that well in the dark. I think if he comes into a darkened bedroom and finds 140 pounds of cellulite hurtling through sp...

Celia Rivenbark

I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn. Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness w...

Celia Rivenbark

Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement. The trick is to do all the talking yourself. P...

Celia Rivenbark

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being 'tolerant of differences.' The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Toler...

Celia Rivenbark

Who can fail to mist at Fergie's anthem, 'My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.' Hmmm. 'My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up.

Celia Rivenbark

Okay, let's see if I got this straight. The butt is the new breast, and the lower back is the new ankle. Now if only we could figure out where the brain has moved.

Celia Rivenbark

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.

Celia Rivenbark

When I opened the last [401k] statement, I jumped out of the window. True, it was the kitchen window and I only fell two feet, so the whole scene lacked drama, but I thought that was the required reaction to extreme financial turmoil in America. And ...

Celia Rivenbark

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am t...

Celia Rivenbark

I don't define success by how much money someone makes. I don't define success by how many trophies or plaques or awards someone has. I don't define it by membership in exclusive clubs or the ability to name-drop about someone's famous friends. I don...

Celia Rivenbark

I had to start watching [ ] every week because, well, my IQ was just too high. I mean seriously up there. What can I tell you? After watching every episode, I am now officially as dumb as that brown, particle-like stuff you find outside and don't wan...

Celia Rivenbark

Never invite someone who is speaking a foreign language in your presence to "Go back to your country." The only time that phrase is every acceptable is if you are British and you are speaking to Madonna.

Celia Rivenbark

Writing humor is not something every single person can do.

Celia Rivenbark

I don't have a college degree. I started working at 19 on a tiny newspaper. I've covered everything from weddings to crime to criminal weddings.

Celia Rivenbark

Sometimes, at parties, people demand I tell a joke. It's like pointing a gun at my feet and telling me to dance.

Celia Rivenbark

Author Bio

  • NameCelia Rivenbark
  • DescriptionWriter
  • ProfessionWriter