Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.
We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.
Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to great speeches, but then I turn on the TV and I’m in wonder at how good my candidate looks.
Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.
I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.
I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.
If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.
Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.
I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.
I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.
Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.
Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep.
There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.
First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.
We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.
The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.
The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.
