Selfishness is a bad habit. That’s why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others.
If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.
Nothing else matters now that you love me.' - suicide note
An anniversary is the perfect time to celebrate all the missed opportunities to correct a mistake, and even take vows to renew it.
Husband: a man with hopes of being a lover who settles for being a provider, causing his wife to grow suspicious of her depleting jewelry box.
A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.
The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.
Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.
Love leads people to become lost in their own feelings and ignore the world, so it’s no surprise their love for the world goes unrequited.
I only go birdwatching during mating season. I'm a pornithologist.
Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.
I’m always hearing that everyone needs someone to love, but I just don’t think people are interchangeable like that.
Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.
Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.
I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian.
I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.
Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.
I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.
Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.
Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.
I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.
