Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.
Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.
Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.
Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?
Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.
I admire Shakespeare enormously. But since I can’t be him, I’m glad that his marriage was unhappy and he’s dead.
When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.
Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.
Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.
I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.
Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.
Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.
If nymphomaniacs were chefs, the stomach and the groin would finally start talking. They’d say: “Fat is sexy.” Enrolling all our sex addicts in culinary school may be the best way of dealing with obesity. Every meal of the day would be candleli...
Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.
Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.
The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.
If I weren’t too proud, I’d boast of my exaggerated opinion of myself.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, until it stops beating. Getting ripped out of the chest tends to have that effect.
I wanted to have premarital sex with a midget, but I was afraid the ringmaster would banish me for unlawful carnival knowledge.
The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.
People are always insinuating that I’m rude. They say things like “Shh,” and “Careful what you say,” and “I think that guy’s listening in on our conversation.
