Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff's last name is a homophone of 'made-off'?
I would love to be on a Real Housewives from somewhere reality show. Then I could show all those women how the rest of our society gets to do it.
My wit is only as stupid as the audience.
Sometimes when I'm writing, I wonder if the words have a mind of their own, and if they're really just using me as a puppet to manifest themselves.
During my completely soul-shredding midlife crisis at the age of twenty-eight, I felt sure I had peaked too soon.
I had a dream about you. We were actors in a horror movie and I was hunting you down with a knife. When I finally cornered you the director yelled "Cut".... What? I can't be blamed for following instructions.
I had a dream about you. We went for a walk, though we didn’t hold hands because we went in separate directions. As I walked alone I thought about how you had the funniest way of showing affection to me.
I had a dream about you. We were comparing scars. All of yours were on your body, while all of my scars were on the bodies of people I’ve known throughout my life. It’s true, I’m unscathed, which is also why I’m alone.
I had a dream about you. You told me you circled three words in three books scattered in the Library of Alexandria, the one that supposedly burnt down centuries ago. You wouldn’t tell me what words, what books, or give me any clues at all, so I jus...
I had a dream that I knew it all…but then I woke up and appreciated the fact that I didn’t know everything because then there would be nothing left to discover in life.
I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited because you were so beautiful, but I was quickly let down when you introduced me t...
I had a dream about you last night. You set a timer on in the bathroom to prove how long it takes me to get ready. So I shaved your legs, made up your face and gave you lashes. An hour later you thanked God for not making you a woman.
I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.
I had a dream about you. You were crying, and your tears were so salty I decided to collect your sadness to sprinkle on potato chips. I thought we could start a business. I would make potato chips, I would make you sad, and you would cry onto the chi...
I had a dream that I didn’t care anymore…when I woke up I realized that I was stuck with a big heart.
I had a dream about you. We made a good team, you and I, and I thought we were in love, but our coach didn’t agree. He tried saying he wanted to trade you to another team, but I said if he did that I’m going to take up competitive knitting. He kn...
I had a dream about you. You were writing a book, and I was reading a book. The problem was, it was the same book. So while you were trying to write, I sat next to you yelling at you to write faster because I am a speed reader. Seriously, can you onl...
I had a dream about you. I asked you out to coffee, and you said, “No thanks. I’m a recovering insomniac.” I said, “No worries. My conversational skills are sure to put you to sleep.”
I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew w...
I had a dream about you. The king decreed we could only speak one word, and that word would be assigned to us. Your word was hello, and my word was goodbye. You made me happy, and I made you sad. Or so I thought. Turns out you rather liked me telling...
I had a dream about you last night... it was about a dreamer and a drifter walking into a bar. They start talking and swapping stories. No matter what the drifter says the dreamer always one-upped him. The drifter then woke up and realized he was the...
