Did you hear the one about the elderly Jew on his deathbed who sent for a priest, after declaring to his astonished relatives that 'I want to convert.' Asked why he would become a Catholic, after living all his life as a Jew, he answered: 'Better one...
One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the...
When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took...
When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.
Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.
I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
Smoked salmon is for dinner. Belly lox is for breakfast. Don't get that mixed up.
A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!
You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.
I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.
My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'
