Allison Reynolds: Your middle name is Ralph, as in puke, your birth date's March 12th, you're 5'9 and a half, you weigh 130 pounds and your social security number is 049380913. Andrew Clark: Wow. Are you psychic? Allison Reynolds: No. Brian Johnson: ...
John Bender: Sporto. Andrew Clark: What? John Bender: You get along with your parents? Andrew Clark: Well, if I say yes I'm an idiot, right? John Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too.
Bender: You're kind of sexy when you're angry.
John Bender: Don't you ever talk about my friends. You don't know any of my friends. You don't look at any of my friends. And you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends. So you just stick to the things you know: shopping, nail po...
Bender: [after putting his head between Claire's legs under the table] It was an accident. Claire Standish: You're an asshole. Bender: Sue me.
[John Bender is absently tearing up books] Andrew Clark: That's real intelligent. John Bender: You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature. It's such fun to read. And [examines title] John Bender: Moe-Lay really pumps my nads. Claire Standish: Mol...
Brian's mom: Now is this the first time or the last time you do this to me? Brian Johnson: Last. Brian's mom: Now get in there and use the time to your advantage. Brian Johnson: Mom, we're not supposed to study, we just have to sit there and do nothi...
Claire Standish: Why didn't you want me to know that you are a virgin? Brian Johnson: Because it's my business - my personal business. John Bender: Well, Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business.
John Bender: What're we having? Brian Johnson: Uh, it's your standard, regular lunch I guess... [Bender reaches in the bag and pulls out a thermos. He sets it on the table and points at it] John Bender: Milk? Brian Johnson: Uh, soup. John Bender: Ah....
Claire Standish: [about her parents] I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me. It's like they use me just to get back at each other. Allison Reynolds: [her first word of dialogue so far] Ha! Claire Standish: [long pause] Shut up!
Bender: Carl? How does one become a janitor? Carl: You wanna be a janitor? Bender: No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor. Because, you see, Brian here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts. Carl: Oh really? You guy...
Andrew: You ask me one more question and I'm beating the shit out of you.
Claire Standish: He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him. John Bender: Sweets. You couldn't ignore me if you tried. So... so. Are you guys like boyfriend-girlfriend? Steady dates? Lovers? Come on, sporto, level with me. Do you sl...
Richard Vernon: [Andrew laughs at Bender's backtalk] You think he's funny? You think this is cute? You think he's "bitchin," is that it? Let me tell you something. Look at him - he's a bum. You want to see something funny? You go visit John Bender in...
John Bender: Hey, homeboy, what do you say we close that door, we'll get the prom queen impregnated.
John Bender: Being bad feels pretty good, huh?
Claire Standish: I hate it. I hate having to go along with everything my friends say.
Brian Johnson: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp? John Bender: No. You're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
