Herbie Stemple: Come and see Herbie Stempel get thrown to the Columbia lions! Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal in his life.
Dan Enright: How much do they pay instructors up at Columbia? Charles Van Doren: Eighty-six dollars a week. Dan Enright: Do you have any idea how much Bozo the Clown makes? Charles Van Doren: Well... we, we can't all be Bozo the Clown.
Herbie Stemple: You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo.
Herbie Stemple: And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me, because I'm the guy who knows everything.
Herbie Stemple: Don't do this to me, it's humiliating. Enright: For seventy grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated.
Albert Freedman: It's not like we're hardened criminals here. We're in show business.
Dick Goodwin: I asked myself, "why would he do this, he knows I'll come after him?" Then it occurred to me. He knows I'll come after him.
Dick Goodwin: Excuse me. Do you think he might see me before the peacock molts? Kintner's Secretary: Who are you with again? Dick Goodwin: I'm with the United States Congress. Perhaps you've heard of them.
Jack Barry: Eleven points will bring you to 21 and you will be our new champion! Because of a disagreement with his commanding general, Ulysses S. Grant was virtually placed under arrest for a brief time early in 1862. Who was the commanding general ...
Dick Goodwin: And I'll send you a little helpful reminder. You'll notice it because it'll look very much like a subpoena.
Mark Van Doren: [reciting poetry at his birthday party] Now see summer bloom upon this lee, three score rings around this tree, once green, now bare, once lush, now sere, consoled only that I am planted here... John Van Doren: You certainly are! Mark...
Mark Van Doren: If you look around the table and you can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
Dick Goodwin: [of Charles Van Doren] There's absolutely no need to drag the man into the spotlight. Sandra Goodwin: You dragged Herb Stempel into the spotlight. Dick Goodwin: Stempel? The man has to be dragged from the spotlight with his teeth marks ...
Herbie Stemple: [referring to television] That box is the biggest thing since Gutenberg invented the printing press, and I'm the biggest thing on it.
Toby Stempel: My mother wants to know why you only went for eight on the movies. Herbie Stemple: Because my real expertise is pain-in-the-ass in-laws, all right?
Jack Barry: [prepping for the show] My light okay? My nose doesn't look big? Stage worker: You look great Jack. Jack Barry: Last week I looked like a sun dial.
Account Guy: Stempel is an underdog. You know, people root for that. It's a New York thing. Martin Rittenhome: Queens is not New York!
Dick Goodwin: You're to receive the questions in advance, and I'm to thank you for the courtesy of attending this hearing. Martin Rittenhome: Mercy. What a grueling line of inquiry. Dick Goodwin: Must have a familiar ring - the questions in advance.
