Mr. Parker: [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand new green, plastic trees. Tree Man: Oh no! Mr. Parker: Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee. Mother: It's a very nice tree. Tree Man: [quick...
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!
Mr. Parker: Holy smokes. Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A lamp! Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was indeed a lamp. Mr. Parker: Isn't that great? What a great lamp. Mother: I don't know... Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The old man's eyes ...
Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles? Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS. Mother: What is it this time? Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature. Mother: Vi...
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but incessantly that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.
Ralphie as Adult: C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be! Ralphie: C+? Miss Shields: [in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch] C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Narrator: Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?
Ralphie as Adult: [regarding the note on his report] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"? Ralphie: Oh, no! Ralphie as Adult: My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation! Miss Shields, Mother: [in Ralphie's fantas...
Ralphie as Adult: I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.
Ralphie as Adult: First-nighters, packed earmuff-to-earmuff, jostled in wonderment before a golden, tinkling display of mechanized, electronic joy!
Ralphie: Well, what have we got here, folks? Mr. Parker: Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph. Ralphie: Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Honors and benefits already at the age of nine!
Ralphie: Hey Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas! The Old Man: [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace? Ralphie: [chuckling] He he, that's a good one Dad! Randy: [lauging] He he he! Ralphie as Adult: My old man was one of th...
Ralphie as Adult: My father's spare tires were only tires on the academic sense. They were round,and had once been made of rubber.
Narrator: Downtown Hohman was preparing for this yearly baccanalia of peace on Earth and goodwill to men.
Ralphie as Adult: Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared sappily up at me. Mother: Come down so I can see you better. Ralphie as Adult: I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of...
Ralphie as Adult: Round One was over. heh heh. Parents one, kids, zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable. Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas? Ralphie as Adult: Horrified, I ...
Mr. Parker: You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper... Ralphie as Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years. Mr. Parker: You wart mundane...
