Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award! Swede: A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp. Mr. Parker: It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it! Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it? Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swe...
Miss Shields: Now I know that some of you put Flick up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terribl...
[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted] Santa Claus: How about a nice football? Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'footb...
Head Elf: COME ON, KID! [pulls Ralphie] Head Elf: COME ON! Santa Claus: HO! HO HO! [spins Ralphie around] Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy? Male Elf: Hey, kid! HURRY UP! THE STORE'S CLOSING! Head Elf: Listen little...
The Old Man: [Watching in horror as the Bumpus hounds flee after devouring the Christmas turkey] Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Life Buoy, on...
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Getting ready to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.
The Old Man: [shouting] Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute. And I was at the end of it.
Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya. Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything? Schwartz: He k...
[marveling at a Christmas gift he just opened] Mr. Parker: A can of Simoniz!
Goggles: I like Santa. Ralphie: Yeah. Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
Man in Line for Santa: Young man. Hey, kid! Just where do you think you're going? Ralphie: Going up to see Santa. Man in Line for Santa: The line ENDS here. It begins THERE. [Points to the very end of a very long line]
Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same dumb old parade as last year. Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down? Ralphie: Mom! Mother: Hush! Mr. Parker: SHUT UP, Ralphie!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty.
Santa Claus: Come on up on Santa's lap, here's a wet one. And what's your name little boy? And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck? Get him off my lap and get my a towel. [Billy is pushed down the slide] Santa Claus: Oh, I hate the sme...
Mom: [Playing Santa] And this is for daddy... [Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap] Mom: Here, from me to you. The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
Mrs. Parker: Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China! Randy: [groans and shoves spoon into his mouth]
