Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trap...
Miss Shields: Where's Flick? Has anyone seen Flick? Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating as Ralphie feigns ignorance] Flick? Flick who?
Mr. Parker: [Reading Telegram and doing a little jig] Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory. Mr. Parker: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! I...
Mr. Parker: Dadgummit! Blow out! [on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire] Mr. Parker: Ah ha! [excitedly gets out of the car] Mother: Not again. Mr. Parker: Four minutes. Time me. Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He...
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alon...
Mr. Parker: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp. Mother: Jealous of a plastic... Mr. Parker: Jealous! Jealous because I WON. Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealou...
Mother: This isn't one of those trees where all the needles falls off, is it? Tree Man: No, that's them balsams.
Ralphie: Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas. The Old Man: A new furnace. Ralphie: Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad! [Randy laughs]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.
Miss Shields: [reading Ralphie's theme in his fantasy, she clutches his essay to her chest] Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". P...
Mr. Parker: Get in the car. Get in the car. [Mother runs back inside] Mr. Parker: If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees! Mr. Parker: [to the kids] Go on, go on. Ralphie as Adult: [narrating, as Mother switches off the leg lamp] My mo...
Ralphie: [in his fantasy, Ralphie explains the cause of his blindness] It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!
Ralphie: [Giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple] I thought you might like something different. Ralphie as Adult: Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.
Ralphie as Adult: [chuckling] Ho, ho, but no matter. Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kid year revolved.
Ralphie as Adult: Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil.
Mother: Randy, how do the little piggies go? Randy: [oinks like a pig] Mother: That's right. Oink, oink! Now show me how the piggies eat. [points to his plate] Mother: This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how th...
Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said? [Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible] Mother: No, he said... [whispers it close to the receiver] Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical ton...
