I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.
I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.
An Alabama-faced man with a Georgia body once told me I had the smile of an Emily. That made me grin, which is definitely not how an Emily would react, so I knew it couldn’t be true.
A beer bottle on a stick, like a broom, is less for cleaning and more for distance drinking. My floor is so filthy I’ll drink twelve.
PDF—is it a document type, or Public Display of ‘Fection? I’ll let you know after I print it out and cuddle with it.
They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun.
I have sewn my own destruction, and it looks like a cat sweater. I knitted matching pants too, because that’s what lovers do. My feelings for you melted in the ice cream cone, and I’m afraid I licked it all up before grandpa could get to it.
I’m too two for my taste. I want to be more one, more of a winner. If I start thinking like a champion, maybe I’ll start cheating like one.
If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water.
There’s an old saying in swimming—“Don’t drown.” At least there should be. I may have just Michael Phelpsed myself, but it’s all gold.
All the Debbies in the world are too big to be little. Makes me wish I were just two inches taller, you know? I blame my dad—or the mailman. Not sure yet. I get the DNA results back tomorrow.
Your washing machine is my bathtub. Every time I see you my heart spins with desire. YA by nosit' Moskvu shtany dlya vas, kak drozh' babushki. (I'd wear Moscow as pants for you, like a shivering grandma.)
Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.
I’ll sell you a whole half for half price, but that 50% price only has a half-life of a half a day. I’m only doing this because I’m a wholesome guy.
I’m in the bovine department. That’s where I’ll see a cow wearing a leather jacket. It’s so cold here that I can almost see Putin’s nipples.
My boxers have salad dressing stains on them, and my dishwasher is broken. I’ll make dinner for you, if you clean up afterwards.
Oh, @CrystalWoods26 we had so much fun together! You weren’t there, because I was dreaming. @ryanlilly can vouch for me.
