Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids.
I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me.
How do new watches catch up with old watches that have had more time to get a head start? This is what I pondered while I waited on her to fall in love with me.
My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person.
A slinky is a toy made for stairs, but that’s entirely too tiresome. What about a toy for escalators that doesn’t move and does nothing and that’s the whole point? I think Americans would relate to and embrace that mentality.
Joe is 3/4ths of a joke. 75% of politicians are jokes too, only the punchlines are the voters, and that kind of humor I just don’t find funny.
A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors.
Don’t talk sign language and masturbate at the same time. Not unless you’re translating a Presidential State of the Union address.
A candle that smells like asshole would be an instant hit in prison. Do they make sex-scented candles now?
I’m not a treasure hunter—I’m a treasure farmer. I grow quotes, and each person like Tim Fargo who tweets me is a thrill no shipwreck can match.
Liquid quotes are more drinkable. Make your writing as fluid as possible, so people can chug it in one tasty gulp.
They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.
It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it.
I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.
We no longer know each other. Hell, I barely know myself these days. I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and think, “Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?
Instead of a vow of silence, I took a vow of invisibility. At that time you were looking for someone to love, and that’s why you couldn’t see me.
The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.
I said I love you, but it was like the wind. It blew her hair around, and she blew me off as if I were invisible and fleeting. So I found someone who’d appreciate me—a kite flyer.
