Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.
I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?
A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.
You know who’s not money? @JManziel2. Quarterbacks should stay in the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Ask any politician.
There are four quarters in a football game. That’s natural, because that’s 100%. I’m a 75% kind of fan, because I’m all about the quarterback.
I passed my past, because if I could get any of it back, I’d only want about a quarterback. That 25% would be the love I had for her, before I fumbled it away.
I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you.
It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not.
I value your friendship. I value it at one billion dollars. We should sell it.
People don’t buy products—they buy people. It’s called slavery. I mean networking. It’s called networking.
A sofa on an elevator would be like a slow roller coaster where you get to work on your small talk skills. Oh yes, I am an adrenaline junky.
Playing basketball, I blew out my knee like it was a birthday candle. Sports are so much more fun to play when sitting at a table and opening presents and eating cake.
William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?
Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today.
I lived without without, until I found a box full of it that was empty. That’s also where I found love. You should always check carefully—especially when the box you’re checking is a gender preference for sex.
There’s no reason to not be humble, because as great as you may be, you can always be greater.
I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than saying I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.
The best place to store your weapons safely is in your enemy’s hands. It is in your best interest to be defenseless while your rulers have all the weapons. After all, the government knows what’s best for you.
