You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my legs.
I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.
Mainstream news wants to keep you as a useful idiot. Instead, try being a non-useful idiot.
I planted a plastic plant, but nothing grew but political hope. I watered it with the tears of the voters.
As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.
I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.
I was so depressed I thought about committing TV. I mean suicide. In the end I decided to binge on @Netflix and it really made me feel better.
I won’t clap when you die. I mean I would cheer, but applause would be inappropriate at your funeral, an event I’d miss because I’ll be celebrating.
It’s not wise for me to extend a congratulatory handshake while your hands are busy clapping for me. I’ll wait for your applause to die down—or for my mother-in-law to die before we shake in friendship.
I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.
A starving man asleep dreams of food, and even a crumb becomes a feast. When you’re hungry for affection even a no is better than being ignored.
I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.
I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true.
I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?
I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love.
I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?
I like grape juice. Fermented grape juice—wine. It’s the drink of choice for champions. I know because I asked a bunch of winners.
I’m thirsty for your love. I hope you don’t mind, but I drank straight from the carton—without even checking to see if it had expired.
