I don’t eat sweets because I’m trying to keep my boyish figure. That’s the way my priest likes it.
As eternal beings, we shouldn’t let our time spent trapped in the temporal prisons we call our bodies distract us from the fact that love is forever. Love now and love later, because the two are one.
She has a sexy radio voice, which is perfect because I have a sexy radio body. Trust me, it’s sexy.
Half my body is sunburned, and the other half is melted like ice cream. But at least my love for her is still cold.
If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.
30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.
As a fan of Agatha Christie, I think a brilliant mystery novel would be trying to identify the meat contents in a McDonald’s hamburger.
Love, it’s overrated in my book. Really, in my book I gave it 11 out of 10 stars. But stars are like political votes. Who’s really counting?
I always thought it was Mo Be Dick. I know Mo, and he is a dick.
A book called Life of Silence would get everyone talking. I should write it, using invisible ink. Or to really make it see-through, I should hire a ghostwriter.
TV commercials move me. They move me right off the sofa and into my library. Thank God books aren’t broken up by @McDonalds’ tasteless ads.
I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left.
If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.
I want to start a business making mint-flavored sunshine that comes in a can half full of meow-free rainbows. (Leprechauns sold separately.)
I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.
My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves.
Sometimes I kick my cat. But I’m asleep, and he sleeps at the foot of my bed. It’s not like I kick it intentionally, like it was a politician.
I have no brothers or sisters, so I get all my sibling love. But since I can't take what's already mine, I end up giving it all to my cat.
