Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Quotes

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The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse i...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out? Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you? Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did? Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you? Has he ever shoved, po...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land—and he owns them.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerous reactions that abusers can have when relationships draw to a close have often been considered, especially by psychologists, to be evidence of the man’s “fear of abandonment.” But women have fears o...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Alcohol does not a change a person’s fundamental value system. People’s personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when sober. When you are drunk you may behave in ways that are sill...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The abuser does not believe, however, that his level of authority over the children should be in any way connected to his actual level of effort or sacrifice on their behalf, or to how much knowledge he actually has about who they are or what is goin...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Addiction does not cause partner abuse, and recovery from addiction does not “cure” partner abuse.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain chemicals can cause violent behavior — anabolic steroids, for example, or crack coca...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

A man’s beliefs about the effects of the substance will largely be borne out. If he believes that alcohol can make him aggressive, it will, as research has shown. On the other hand, if he doesn’t attribute violence-causing powers to substances, h...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice sho...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are: You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing. I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up. As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no mat...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are: You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you. Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking s...

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men