Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You Quotes

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I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.



Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love Her.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I took a risk by not taking a risk, and that’s the nature of nature.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Eleven out of ten people surveyed said they appreciate nonsense.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I cut holes in all my shirts under my armpits. Not only is it easier to apply deodorant, but chicks dig it.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

With wisdom comes pain, but once you’ve got wisdom, you can’t just say, “Oh wow! I didn’t know knowing would hurt this much” and try to give it back. Once you know, there’s no going back to blissful ignorance.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

You have to be patient, because I am not—and one of us has to be, so it might as well be you. And here, to help with your impatience, you can start being patient right now. Instant delayed gratification.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Two heads are better than one because the more people that get involved, the easier it is to reach an agreement. This is why committees are so efficient.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I miss the smell of clown in the morning. I need to be a volunteer on another political campaign.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Donkeys and elephants represent us politically. Why? Because snakes and roaches would be too obvious.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I believe the shortest path between two points involves an elaborate maze as the only option of travel, entry and exit fees, and forms and applications that must be approved before the journey can even begin. Oh yes, I’d make a good politician.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I’m here for the gangbang, and I brought the cream cheese. Has the political convention already started?

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

My friend had a few kittens she was trying to find a home for, but she was having no luck. They were super cute, so I decided to poison their water supply. A few days later they were dead, and her problem was solved. I should be a politician.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Bribery—it’s the way to get ahead. At least in politics.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I was supposed to attend a conference in Toledo, but rather than travel, I lobbied City Counsel to change our town’s name to Toledo. I should be a politician. Not only would I save the taxpayers on travel expenses, but I could do my job without doi...

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers, and Barney Frank’s tiny shoes...

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You