Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You Quotes

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I am the Chosen One. I know, because I chose myself, myself. But to be fair, it’s not like there was another choice. It was either to be me, or not to be. And I chose selfishly. 


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I have an erection. I just got it. It was an early Christmas present. Do you think she’ll be mad that I unwrapped it early?

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

He had an ugly mug. Yes, both his face and his coffee cup were hideous.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I always order a small coffee in a medium cup—to leave room for cream, without subtracting from the full amount of coffee I paid for. I’m like that with love too, except I don’t need nearly as much room for cream.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Instant gratification is like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Communism: If nobody owned anything, and everybody owned everything, there’d be no reason to work for something, because not only could you not have it—but you’d already have it.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I didn’t lose and let everybody else beat me so much as I made the race last. Last place means I had the most time to enjoy the experience.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Some people are born to be bronze medalists. And sometimes the only reason they get third place is because there aren't more competitors in the race to place ahead of them.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Yesterday I inhaled a cloud, and immediately my eyes started raining.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Whenever I see a couple dancing, I think I could dance like that—if I were two people.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

In light of the darkness, I see no reason to have no reason.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

The other night my grandpa stopped breathing. I thought he was trying to set a world record for holding his breath, but after ten minutes of me cheering him on, he had to be boring and go and die on us and totally spoil our dinner. The good news was ...

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You