Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

People put bars on their windows to keep themselves safe, and I say why not just commit a felony and go to prison? Plenty of bars there.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I wash my hands in the blood of grapefruit. Come, drink with me.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Couples should be able to share their dreams with one another. That’s why for just $69.69, you’ll like what I have to sell you. It’s not just one tube and two suction cups you each attach to your foreheads—it’s the Dream Tunnel.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I dance like I make love—in a group, while wearing a bag on my head.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I watched the rain fall, and I thought, “That water supply is lost revenue for my city’s utility company. The rain that falls on my neighbor’s land is city water, and whether they collect it in barrels or wastefully let it seep into the land, t...

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Celebrate your disability at Handicapped Parking Spot Day. (Spaces are limited, so reserve your spot today.)


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Relationships are built on trust. If you don’t trust me, how can I ever hope to get close enough to steal your heart and sell it on eBay?


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

In a toast, I’ll raise my glass like I’d raise a child—through orphanages.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Chew on this fact: nine out of ten people step on bubblegum left by either me or my associates. The tenth person couldn’t step on it because he’s handicapped. But he most assuredly rolled over it in his wheelchair.


Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I can smell a whisper from two secret admirers away. Of all the Men’s rooms, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into this one.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I was very close to kissing her. The timing was right, and the mood was right, but the distance of two inches between our two mouths was just too far to traverse in the end.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

I don’t like ice in my whiskey. I like bullets. Why? Because for every ice cube I don’t use, an Eskimo gets to keep one square inch of his igloo. So I’m saving twice the lives by using bullets and not using ice.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Instead of fur, how about a pet with grass, so I could mow my pet. Unlike now, where all I do is cuddle with a piece of sod.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

Whenever You're Gone, I'm Here For You