This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It may seem like good is always reacting in response to evil, and evil always makes the first move, but if the universe is essentially good, and I believe it is, then evil can only ever be reactionary.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I have a shirt that’s skin tight. It’s made from human flesh.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I wrote my name on the list 10 years ago, and under the date I wrote “In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks