This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to death when he flew too close to a bright star, which ironically got swallowed up by the least shiny object in the univer...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I was eight when I moved to Florida, and I thought, “Oh great, the retirement capital of the world. I’ll be dead within a decade.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained and locked metal trunk. Then he had the audacity to not accept a coupon when I went to pay him for his services rendered.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the sky. Don’t worry, my light bulb is energy efficient—it runs on solar power.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks