This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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She had no mind, but I didn’t mind, because she had a body like an upside down question mark.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinner.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A Cyclops on a unicycle juggling three giant eyeballs couldn’t compare to the balanced vision my writing presents. In fact, noted linguist and translation expert Dora J. Arod had these flattering words to say about my writing: “I wouldn’t read ...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool out of my eyes.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a cat.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks