This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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You could say my book is the best book ever (or worst book ever), and it wouldn’t make it any better (or worse) than it is. All art exists outside and beyond criticism.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

An ice sculpture in the Sahara makes about as much sense as donkey left open gaping wagon, Sergeant (add cream cheese sparingly).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen gue...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am. 

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

To stop a battle, a politician would propose a war.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love has a shape, but no color. You’re probably wondering, “If it’s transparent, how do you know what shape it is?” Good question. Well, for one thing, I put it together, and for another, I’m currently wearing it like body armor (though to ...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If a building were shaped like a body, I’d imagine you’d exit out the rear.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks