This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If my last name were Drinkfood, I’d pour you a hot cup of spaghetti. And if my last name were Eatdrink, I’d be more romantic and pour you some wine, and let you sip it out of the spoon.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it. 

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I make love like the desert. Ever implemented a cactus during foreplay?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Too much nudity is a turn off. Especially if all that flesh is on one person.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

When a whisper seems like a shout, I know I need to get some sleep. But I can’t lay down without first taking off my bunny ears.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength. And if you won’t carry my love, you carry a heavy burden.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I remember the good old days. You must remember the good old days, because they were the days with the long white beards.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I didn’t get your letter. I did receive it, but I didn’t understand it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I want to pour your voice into a goldfish bowl before flushing it down the toilet.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth, by I. Brows

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks