This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A new poll found that 84% of American people were disgusted by Congress, and my only thought is, Are 16% of Americans insane? If they’re not disgusted, they should eat a bowl of vomit soup. It’s fresh, as I just made it after reading the latest p...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

She was in a coma, and had been unresponsive for years. Every Tuesday I’d visit her and read to her, and as I’d leave I’d always say, “I love you,” as I’d kiss her on her forehead. One day as I was leaving, I said my normal I love you and...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Nobody can stop me. But only because I haven’t started yet.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I don’t know where, but I know how and why. Two out of three out of six ain’t bad.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d like to make a statement, and I’d like to make it out of my own small intestines.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to hear: woman, I’m hungry.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I heard you calling out to me, but I almost didn’t reply because you were using another guy’s name.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Respect is something that should be earned, like eyebrows shaped like windshield wipers in a stormy arcade evening. I like my respect with lots of elbow room and melted cheese on top.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks