This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks Quotes

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Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. 


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I am marvelously absurd in my cloudless thought formation.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

The legend of Sam, the homosexual hermaphrodite.
(The impossibility is half possible!)

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I water my driveway, and I drive a hard bargain to work (it gets great gas mileage).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’d be quite absurd to equate a math equation with love. But that is exactly what I’ve done. I’m giving a four-hour lecture on it on Friday night. Can I count you among the attendees?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Despite marking the spot, Generation X has no treasure. How could they, when I dug it up first?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love gives you wings. Icarus and the Challenger both had wings, and so did my first love letter, after I folded it up and flung it at my crush.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I made myself an “I Love Jennifer” jacket out of my old “I Love Jenn” jacket. Two girls, one continuous love. The I Love Jennifer is a little off-center, but then so am I. Better than being self-centered, as my clone would probably say.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m putting the word “Don’t” on my To Do list.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is the Columbus landed in the new world in the late 15th century. There is no new world. It simply doesn’t exist. And Ameri...

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks