You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.
I’ll stab you with a pointy thingy. Not a sword, a knife, or even a mountaintop. No, I’ll use my index finger—and just to make a point about violence.
He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the face. That’s why I sent him a Get Well Soon card, since he was probably interested in my well-being.
He’s half blind,” Orafoura said. “Oh,” I said, “he’s only got one eye? They call that a Cyclops.” “No, he’s got two eyes,” Orafoura replied. “He’s half blind because he’s in love.
Sometimes I’ll be walking along, thinking, and I’ll kick up some dust and I’ll say, Whoa! That makes sense, and I’ll have just had an epiphany, and then forget all about it because I’ll get distracted by my dirty shoes.
The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.
From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.
A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, north, and east, over and over. That’s how I feel when I’m in love, only I walk.
He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.
Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).
Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start...
I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.
Make pizza, not war. No matter how you slice it, that’s wise.
If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.
My love grew wings—and flapped away from me. I watched as it flew right into the arms deal of the century. Only the Russians would be crazy enough to use something as dangerous as love in a war.
War is not a homemade product. You make it at someone else’s house. If you’ve got the eggs, flour, milk, sugar, oil, and gold, then I’ll bring the guns. Be expecting me at 8:00, because I plan on surprising you early.
I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.
If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.
