If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?
If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.
I want to steal 100 years. If I get caught, it’ll be the trial of the century.
What I’m doing is not doing anything, and I’m doing a half-ass job.
If I started yesterday, I’d be a master of tomorrow.
I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.
I can tell time, but I can’t tell time to stop or fuck off.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wiped your ass with a pile of sand. Toilet paper doesn’t measure eternity the way the sands of time do.
I took a shortcut and saved a ton of time. Literally 2,000 pounds of it. Now I have extra time and love to give to you.
I won’t allow anyone to buy you a clock. Not on my watch.
It’s times like these I wish I had a watch. It’d also be nice if it was broken. That would let me know that now is always the best time to love.
Her name is Today. I told her I’d call her tomorrow. That was yesterday. I’m confused about the time, but not about the fact that I’m in love.
Why have you left me, Yesterday? Was it because I slept with Today? I have a routine. Every day I do something different.
Time is a manmade concept, introduced just to sell more clocks. And I haven’t bought into the idea, which is why I am late for love.
Last night I stayed up late talking about tomorrow, and today I regret it because I was way off (by about 24 hours).
When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.
I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you'd have one tragic haiku.
I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don’t snuggle, you must cuddle—at a world champion level.
