Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.
Love is saying yes when you really feel like telling them no. That’s why when she asked if I’d marry her, I replied, “If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.
Algebra is numbers forgetting why they’re letters.
I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s like showing up to a math test with...
Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have said a third. But I don't have time for a third, or even my other half, because I spend all my time trying to stretch a quarter into a buck.
My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.
It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.
Maturity doesn’t advance linearly, like you steadily and readily becoming more profound in your thinking. No, it staggers and stumbles like a drunk.
Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.
I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.
A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.
An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.
The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.
I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.
There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.
I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.
I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.
Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.
