Love is the color of red inverted. At least that’s what Gunnar Greenlove told me, and I believe him because he’s from an island where half the people tell only the truth and half tell only lies. Not only that, but the island has a population of t...
One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.
I’ll tell myself whatever I need to hear to stop listening.
Science doesn’t listen. Science has mice growing out of its ears. Wait, I mean human ears growing out of its mice.
By the time I tell you to start doing something, it’s time for you to stop listening and start doing. Especially if what I tell you to do is start listening.
I want to scrape earwax out of your ears like the last of the chunky peanut butter in a jar. I’d love it if you ate one of my world famous Listening Sandwiches.
I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.
Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.
I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m also hungry, so maybe that caller could order me a pizza after they hang up on me.
Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11 clones of myself.
The moveless man moves along like the mist. The mist doesn’t hide, but all things are hidden in it—including the fog. Love is the only thing that moves the moveless man, and he hasn't the foggiest clue why his eyes get misty when he thinks of her...
I was in Love once. I think I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Or maybe I was in Loveland, Co. But either way it felt great to be so directionless and unaware of my surroundings and so utterly lost.
This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.
I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the woman I love—and another one for my lover.
I have two hands so I can provide companionship to myself by holding one hand with the other. As a lover, I am self-sufficient.
If I were a shovel salesman, my biggest customers would be murderers. Oh, and spurned lovers trying to bury the past.
I buy the most expensive trash bags, and the lowest quality products to consume and throw away. As a lover, I’m always thinking about the end user.
This morning my car wouldn’t start. I guess that’s better than if my car wouldn’t stop. As a lover I’m a bring-my-own-bicycle kind of guy.
