I don’t know what I’ll do until I know what you’ll do. I’m proactive with my preemptive reactive strategy.
What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?
I am illiterate. Just not in English.
I had no idea he thought he was funny, tried to be funny, or actually is funny until he made me laugh so hard I peed all over his feet at the urinal.
I got offended when she laughed, because she was showing pleasure, but she was also showing displeasure—in all the previous moments where she hadn’t laughed.
I love like a laugh in a can, so I hope you like Spam. I also hope you like spam, because I forwarded all my unsolicited penis enlargement emails to you, as obviously I don’t need them.
Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.
I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.
My leadership style can be summed up in one word: Follower.
My father taught me the most important thing about wisdom—that I was going to have to acquire it from other people. So without teaching me, he taught me how to learn from others.
I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.
LIberty is slavery. Or, well, you already know. P.S. Can you find my logo in the image?
His thin accusation hung thick in the air like fog smoking a cigarette.
To live a more authentic life, I’ve started studying the world’s best counterfeiters, the Central Bankers. But I can assure you, my love for you is not inflated.
If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.
I swallow my own lies with big gulps, as if quickly chugging the chance of getting caught. No lie makes man thirstier than a dishonest I love you.
A lie makes up 3/4ths of life.
There’s truth in what you say, even though it’s all lies.
