This Book is Not FOR SALE Quotes

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I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I haven’t seen my old friends in a while. Maybe next week I’ll go visit them in the nursing home.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don't know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You see, my and my friends were hiding during the count.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy. 

This Book is Not FOR SALE