At the potluck, I brought two dishes: knowledge and mashed potatoes and gravy. Guess which one got cleaned out and which one hardly got touched.
Good things come to those who ate. And I’m stuffed. Like a teddy bear. That might be why I’m the World Cuddling Champion.
I think the most heavenly food is fluffy white clouds.
The best part about a murder mystery dinner, of course, is the dinner. I make a killer Bubble and squeak, if you know what I mean. The mystery, of course, is what's in the dinner.
My love for you is like food for a statue. My love is like anything from McDonald’s, because it will never decay and always looks brand new.
Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.
I found a hair in my Campbell’s soup, and I’d love to talk to them about advancement opportunities for bald people. My love is as bald as an eagle, only not symbolic of the largest prison system in history. Freedom Soup sounds like a good name fo...
Love, like hefty leftover stew, could be eaten with a spoon—or with some homeless guy I just met. I would offer you some, but we haven’t met yet. And whose fault is that? Oh yeah—yours.
An inch of enchilada, as good as it is, is not even worth a centimeter of love. My feelings for you are hot, so you may need some sour cream.
Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don't know anybody named Donald.
I just ate at a new McDonald’s franchise, and it was great. Everything looked new, including the food. Apparently fast food will look new for years, sort of like plastic. I wonder if the toys in Happy Meals are more edible than the meals themselves...
She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.
In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.
There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at the football stadium, along with all the other worms.
Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.
I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.
I loved her like Monday’s not Sunday. Is it yesterday yet? I won’t know if we were meant to be together forever until six days from now. That’s a long time. Also, that’s a long time.
I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.
