Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.
I like spending time with my family. And if you have the same last name as me, we might be family. I’m an orphan, so I was hoping we could hang out.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.
I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I had the wrong number. And sure enough, when I looked at the number I dialed after he hung up, he did have a different number. The amazing pa...
It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I found out I was abandoned as a baby, so they weren’t my real parents anyway.
If I met a man who had eleven sons, the first thing I’d ask is, Are they all yours? And of course the next question I’d ask is, which one plays quarterback and which one is the best receiver?
My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.
My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.
I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel without a because.
Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hello, dad, you look more like whiskey than I remember. Have you been tanning?” To which all three mothers respond, “The French Revolution was the best thing ...
Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.
I like people watching. My favorite places are cemeteries. Tell your great grandpa I said hi next time you see him.
I found out who my real dad is on Facebook. I also found out who he isn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he isn’t.
I think the perfect pen name is Quill McSeagull. Especially for writing flights of fancy—and nothing has more feathers than a love poem.
Would you mind a mind blindfold, a block on your imagination? You couldn’t create a fantasy world to live in, but you could create a life for yourself without irrational fears of the future.
I think the best time to stare off into space is when you’re going 65 on a motorcycle, provided you’re wearing your astronaut’s helmet.
I don’t dress like I have any money. And I don’t have any money, which helps enable me to dress like that.
I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I'm still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.
