At the end of the first date, I got my courage up and I made a move. One U-Haul van and 1,500 miles later, I regretted my boldness.
Walking along the sidewalk and staring at the street, I couldn’t help but wonder if my date was thinking how provocative the term “manhole cover” is.
I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.
Love tip # 29: Increase your chances of getting to second date by not having stinky garlic breath during the end of the first date. Especially if you’re dating a vampire.
Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life.
After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.
My date couldn’t make it to dinner, because at the last minute I backed down from asking her.
I asked her out on a date, and she said, “Sorry, I can’t see you.” “That’s no problem,” I replied, “I won’t wear my invisible cloak.
6 pm isn’t closer to noon than 6 am in reality, but mentally the difference is like night and day.
If I were as tall as the day is night, I’d be a midget.
If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high, but I’d still only be able to palm a Sunday once a year.
It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, “Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.
If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for my other me.
A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.
Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying, but surely one of the eleven graciously paid for me.
I love how sincere she is. She makes a mannequin look like Mother Theresa, though she looks better naked. And I hope she thinks I look better naked than a dead woman.
Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.
In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.
