People say I can handle pressure, but there is one sporting competition where if I were in the finals, I’d surely choke, and that’s the hotdog eating competition.
I don’t just want to be the best in my field, I also want to be the greenest.
In golf, you don’t beat the other golfers—you beat your self-doubt. That’s why I don’t play, because I can’t beat anyone—not even myself.
When I win, it’s because I’m skilled. When I lose, it’s because my opponent is lucky. But when I fall in love, it’s because I’m lucky and she’s skilled.
Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.
Exuding confidence can ooze onto everyone around you. But it’s sticky and goo-like, so remember to periodically wipe yourself down. I use a squeegee, because I don’t like squeezing sponges. The only time I like to squeeze is when hugging a person...
It’s a conflict of interest, because I’m not interested.
If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, "Yes, I agree!
Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're having,” I always reply, "Irrigation and crop rotation.
If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.
Don’t talk while you’re talking. It interrupts me.
I was in the shower the other day and I noticed on the back of the shampoo bottle it said, "Avoid contact with eyes. In case of eye contact, flush with water." and I thought, "Avoid eye contact? What do you think I do, talk to shampoo bottles? And ev...
I was eavesdropping, but I was so into what she was saying that when she said, I love you, I almost shouted it back from across the restaurant.
Dinner was good. The conversation was great, but the food was bad, so it averaged out. I wish I were as good in bed as I am in the kitchen.
I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.
The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.
I tell people my name is “The Weather,” and that I understand how they don’t have anything else to talk about besides me. Of course they do have something else to talk about. They could always talk about the weather. But that’s boring and a l...
There’s always something to talk about, even if you talk about how there is nothing to talk about. Of course, I’m talking about love.
