Love reminds me of when I was six and had a pet goldfish named “Silverbird” that I carried around the house, petting it like a cat. Needless to say it died. So I ate it.
When he misbehaves, I’ll clap and then point at my cat, as if transmitting the sting of the slap towards him in punishment.
I wear my love like a sweater made out of kitten licks. Weezer wrote about my love with their song, “The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.
My cat will love you more than me. He won’t love you more than he loves me, but he will love you more than I love you.
If I painted a dog statue to look like a cat, the people would pet it. But why paint that when I could paint politicians as honest, for-the-people people?
My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I can’t relate, because I wasn’t there. Neither was he, because like I said, he's like a hippy.
I sometimes rub a bag of potato chips, but honestly, it’s no substitute for petting a cat. I’m the sort if pet owner that doesn’t approve of high fructose corn syrup.
Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.
I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.
I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.
Cats are like mushrooms, only you'll rarely ever hear me scream, "Get off my pizza!" to a pack of mushrooms.
I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.
To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.
I am not challenging you to be you, I am challenging you to be you. In the first case, I’d be challenging you for your role; while in the second instance, I’d be issuing you a challenge for you to step up and be the best possible you.
People often attribute their successes to skill, and their failures to unfortunate circumstances. It’s like if I win it’s because I’m good, and if I lose it’s because I’m unlucky. With every victory, I amplify my talents and ascribe it enti...
I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right number, wrong time.
Some things change, and some things stay the same. The things that change are the things that I wish stayed the same, and the things that stay the same are the things I wish changed.
I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.
