This Book is Not FOR SALE Quotes

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I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Love can come shooting out of nowhere, much like semen shoots out a penis. Too many lives come to an end—and begin—from random shootings.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

My love started the day I was born. If you run you can probably catch up. Remember, think marathon—not sprint.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I put out the Greg Call, which sounds like a whistle-quack, and a few dozen Toms responded. The only time I need a Tom is tomorrow.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I've always been one to share things. Particularly things like responsibility and blame.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

The number I had for her didn’t work. But in this depression, could you blame it?

This Book is Not FOR SALE

A magician who could make the audience’s problems disappear—now that’s someone I’d pay to throw tomatoes at. If I didn’t have any problems, I’d still have a problem, because I’d have nothing to blame my failures on.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I didn’t have time to bury the money. All my precious time was taken up burying the body. I should have left the body and hid the cash. Damn! Now I’ve got no body, but no money, and nobody to blame but myself.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

It takes a lot of commitment to sit on a committee. Only the most courageous could boldly command all that power, yet remain detached from any personal blame.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk it off. That’s how a real politician defers blame.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

I’m hypoglycemic and squeamish and liable to pass out at the first sign of blood. That happened this morning. I came into the kitchen and found blood on the floor, right next to a few dead hookers.

This Book is Not FOR SALE

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

This Book is Not FOR SALE