It’s not if, but when I’ll if on you that matters. How does Tuesday at noon sound?
The world needs more laws. I say this only because I believe the world needs more lawyers. If everybody was a lawyer, there’d be no unemployment, because the economy would be like a great lawsuit factory. Farmers in this utopia wouldn’t raise cro...
If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.
Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.
I wrote a song called "Stinky Sodomite." It isn't a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children's song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the only time the words "Stinky Sodomite" appear in the song...
It’s the same with cell phones. I never answer them up to my ear. I always put it on speakerphone and hold it six to eight inches away from my brain. Here’s an example of a phone call I recently received from an unknown number: -Hello? -Hi, Is Sh...
I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.
Theo named his son Theology. But his son changed it to The O to honor his dad, Orafoura. Orafoura is my dad, he is my son, and we love to love people who are lovable.
The storm is coming whether you’re aware of it or not, and whether you’re prepared for it or not. Thank God you have a man like me in your life, a man with a variety of umbrellas for sale in an affordable range of prices.
If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply.
Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m a bring my own garden kind of lover.
I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big mistake! I should have given her a bus.
There’s a lot of June birthdays in June. There’s also a few in May and July. Reminds me of that one night with April. That was a long month.
Love takes many forms, but I’ll bet none of them are tax forms. I would work for the IRS, but I’m just not that romantic.
No more than two to a tricycle, please. When I said family fun, I didn’t mean this is a place to start a family. (Children over 65 eat free.)
If you’re getting up to cross the Sahara, I could sure go for a bottle of water. My thirst to love you will never be quenched.
A fish called Gilbert. But I just call him Gil to save some breath, so I can spend more time underwater petting him like I used to do to grandpa before he drowned.
Reginald “If” Ifa IV died today. His last words were, “Death, the great What if.” I dreamt this, but that doesn’t make it any less what iffier.
