I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.
If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).
Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.
As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.
A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tailor replies, "This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don't worry, he didn't follow me.
Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.
I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I went back to being a murderer.
I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance.
She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under.
The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on by without trying to work things out.
Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.
I'm not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.
Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.
He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.
I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.
My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.
On my recent trip to Washington DC, I wore a hat I made out of a tin funnel that I covered with fur. Why? Because I was going to where the world’s largest collection of morons were, so I figured I’d fit right in if I looked like an idiot.
