This Book Has No Title Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I’m more like clay. 

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Don’t expect my hand to extend out of her vagina and accept the charity of strangers.

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I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.

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I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking? 

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He was just a kid. He didn’t care. He was like, “I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with? 

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Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find him, and then watch him be murdered by his sibling, who happens to contain half of Satan’s DNA.

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I’m a designer. I’m trying to design a half a person, but I’m looking for a business partner, a female who’ll contribute the other 50% to the design and make it not only complete, but humane and personable.

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I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got some extra space in your closet. Do you think I could store them there?

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My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

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I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you want. So long as you are able to pick the lock on your handcuffs while you are blindfolded. 

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It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.

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Neighbors, I’m on the fence about them.

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In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.

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It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.

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My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end.

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I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.

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I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness. 

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The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to hold it down.

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