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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.

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I’m in good shape. That shape is round. 

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Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the bodies.

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Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them.

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There are lots of great ideas in my book, but as a cohesive unit, my book is only held together with glue at the spine.  Or it would be, if it weren’t an ebook.

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Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence.

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I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria.

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If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch.  

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I think a great book title would be “Ida Says ‘I do’ in Idaho.” It would be about a divorce in Washington State, and the protagonist would be a woman, though I’m not sure what her name should be.

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Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical, or you could buy 101 copies of my .99 cents ebook. Just kidding—I didn’t mean to imply th...

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This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or reading.

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You can believe history books when they tell you when wars were fought. You just can’t trust them as to why.

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I once wrote a book ten stories high. Each story was a story.

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Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists.

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There are only two kinds of books worth keeping: Valuable books and valuable books. The first value is monetary, and the second value is mind-expanding capability.

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As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.

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His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?

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If it’s dangerous, then you go first. If it’s pleasurable, then I’ll be brave and lead the charge.

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