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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing,” they’re just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe,...

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I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!

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I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?

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She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.  

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I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.

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-Do you see that?  -Yeah, what is it?  -That’s the truth.  -How can you tell it’s the truth?  -Because it’s ugly.

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If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.

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I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.

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I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.

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Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.

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Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.

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It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.

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Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!

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I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.

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Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.

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I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.

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The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.

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If I had chlorophyll instead of blood, I’d have ivy in my IV (not Roman numeral four).

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