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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the door, and right there I have to stop the joke, because not only does it not h...

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Two mustaches walk into a bar, and the bartender said, “Can I get you a drink?” Both mustaches turned towards each other but said nothing, because they’d each left their mouth at home. 

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I drink screwdrivers because they help me unwind.

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I added five shots to my coffee, because that’s all the bullets my magazine can hold.

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I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.

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I was alone in that room. Of course, there were bodies all around, but they were all dead. They were dead when I got there. Well, most of them were dead. The last few I had to strangle so I could enjoy some solitude.

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I have two masters: laziness and ambition. Laziness is muscular, and ambition is brainy. When the two masters fight it out, guess who wins? That’s right, the slaves do.

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Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.

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Due to state laws, the restaurant was nonsmoking, which as a nonsmoker pleases me, but as a Libertarian it pisses me off. 

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I’ll never go hungry, because I’m a pet owner and a meat eater. I used to own broccoli, but taking it for a walk in the park didn’t work out so well.  

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I’ve got a flesh-colored tattoo. I drew it myself. You should see it sometime, if only you could see it (it’s invisible).

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I can draw like it’s nobody’s business. I use my door as a canvas, so don’t knock, because it’s nobody’s business.

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I don’t demand much. All I expect is for you to love me so much you kill yourself just to get my attention.

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Baby toys were left at my door. Either someone’s trying to get my attention, or I have the attention span of an infant.

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There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.

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Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.

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I want to drum up interest for instruments that are played by beating them with sticks.

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My name is Awesome Amazing. My middle name is Lee.

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