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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

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One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about. 

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I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.

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One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards in the air if you lob it just right.

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We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.

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I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

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I fell in love with her the moment she was late, though neither one of us knew it at the time because she hadn’t arrived yet.

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I love giving love. The more I give, the more I have to give.

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My goal is to do the most with the least—get the maximum output with the minimum input.

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I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.

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Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.

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I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.

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I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.

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I don’t have a blue-collar job. It’s more of a green collar, because of all the yellow sweat stains mixing in.

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I close my eyes and feel the texture of brick on my fingers in my mind. I try to imagine the wall that surrounds your heart, so I can best devise a plan to breach it.

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The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

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I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.

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When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

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