The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink. Quotes

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Somewhere, on some sidewalk, is a piece of gum with my shoe’s imprint patterned on it. You must find it and bring it to justice.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t say nothing to nobody.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery. 

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2 pounds).

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I plant the “flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide my patriotism among red, white, and blue foliage.) 

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

There is until there isn’t. That’s just the way it is. Until it isn’t.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often speak to me when I’m trying to read.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

People come and people go, but only a magical person can come and go at the same time.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one day be a couple, but I’m not going to wear a fishbowl on my head and dream about it. That wouldn’t be fair to...

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.

The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.