The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that's how I came to tell the two apart.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If I had 31 minutes to live, I'd ask God to be there for me in my hour of need. I'm always like that, rounding up and needy.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The raindrops gathered on my windshield like prostitutes at a political convention, and I voted like I always vote—with my windshield wiper.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I had a dream about you. I was a parakeet in flight, and you were an empty cage. I felt bad, because if you were empty it meant that all the criminals were free to run this country into the ground from Washington DC.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

What if those weren’t ear hairs, but cockroach antennas, and that’s why your grandpa loves listening to political rhetoric so much?

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I didn’t buy the wart remover, because I didn’t want my wart removed—just relocated, to Washington DC, with the rest of the warts in this country.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I wonder if when a politician dies, he gets reincarnated as a higher life form, like a cockroach. Well, maybe not that high up the dignity chain.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I once saw a cockroach try to step on a politician, because it thought it was vile and disgusting.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Jacksonville has pedophiles, bestiality enthusiasts, and mannequin fuckers. We also have other kinds of politicians too.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society, of course.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

A six-fingered man went to give me a high-five, and I got confused, so I left him hanging. By a noose.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

If you chose my clone over me, you chose me over me. So I’d get chosen, and I’d get rejected.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’m a romantic. I enjoy candle-lit breakfasts, and long walks in wheelchairs.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

It’s not easy to run in such a way that makes it look like you’re walking.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Yesterday I bought myself a karate trophy. But I feel like I won it, because the salesman really beat me up over the price.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I called security when I found out I’d lost my virginity, but after looking for it, they assured me nobody had turned it in. I’d better tell grandpa the bad news before he takes his daily bowel movement.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You