The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You Quotes

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I tell people, "Yeah, I went to Harvard University." What I don't tell them is I was only there for five minutes delivering a pizza.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I once took a vow of silence that lasted almost two years. Then, on my second birthday, I relented and started talking.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’m learning sign language to be a better communicator and masturbator.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I won eight gold medals that day. I was like Michael Phelps, except I was the only person competing in all those events. Still, I count the number of golds, not the number of competitors.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I have a hangover and a headache. It’s called my conscience.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I’d like to sit around a campfire with a couple of cowboys and argue over who’s going to turn on the stove.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

Because my family has no money, I’ve decided to become a prostitute. That’s right, I’m going into politics.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I often think about a life of crime. But alas, politics isn’t for me.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

People can cry when they’re happy or sad. Tears are tasty and drinkable on all occasions.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

The first airplanes looked more like flying furniture than the soaring dildos of today.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

My bed feels empty without my ex wife in it. Also, I’m not in it, so that’s probably why it feels so empty.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

As soon as we met, she probably imagined herself marrying me. Then within five minutes, she was probably already envisioning divorce.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

He told me he was getting married, and I told him I approved of his upcoming divorce.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I felt like eating steak, but instead I took my cow for a walk. I mean dog.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I had a dream about you. You were two chickens away from being duck soup, and I was a fork and a knife shy of being able to eat you.


The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

I had a dream about you. You were naked from the waist down, and you were lecturing me on the merits of pantslessness. I wasn’t naked, but you didn’t notice, because I was wearing the flesh of another man, whom I’d earlier killed and skinned.�...

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.

The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You